Not Paladins
by Universitas
Summary: Victor Shepard convinced Garrus to spare Sidonis. Now Garrus wants answers, but in the process he uncovers something else.


**Not Paladins**_  
by Universitas / c_saber_

One shot.

One pull of the trigger, one contraction of the muscles in his fingers, one electrochemical signal through his nerves. That was all Garrus needed. When he held Sidonis in the sniper rifle's scope, he imagined doing it. The signal, the contraction, the pull. The bullet piercing the skull, the body crumpling to the floor. Shepard had given him the chance, too, stepping out of his line of fire. But after hearing Sidonis' half-mumbled, monotone confession and Shepard's own urging, he couldn't do it.

And during the ride back from the Orbital Lounge, Garrus still imagined taking the shot.

He glanced aside, across the shuttle. Shepard sat staring at the silvery blur of buildings and transports flashing beyond the windows. The human, for once, was wearing civvies outside the _Normandy_. Not military fatigues or uniforms, but what looked like normal human clothing. Walking around in damaged armor would've drawn attention.

Shepard caught his gaze. "Ready to talk now?"

Of course he would ask that question. Shepard was always one to talk. It only surprised Garrus that he didn't do so sooner. Talons clicked on haptic keys, and the shuttle's autopilot kicked in, destination Zakera Ward docking bay. Inertia pushed him to the left as the vehicle merged into a slower-moving traffic channel. "No," he said, "but I get the feeling you're not going to let this slide."

"You know me too well." Shepard shifted in his seat. "It's just that you've seemed really tense after we left the meeting point. Distracted. You've got something on your mind."

"We can skip this part. I'll tell you what you're trying to get me to say." Garrus didn't need Shepard to coax him this time. "So why? Why didn't you just let me take the shot the moment I had him scoped?"

"I wanted to know why he did it. See if he had a decent reason for betraying you."

_"I didn't have a choice,"_ Sidonis had said. _"They got to me, told me that they'd kill me if I didn't talk. What was I supposed to do?"_ "But you kept pressing, got him to talk about his self-made hell after he admitted that he was a coward." And in doing so, complicated things beyond the simple mantra of "eye for an eye" that Garrus held with him ever since the betrayal.

Shepard's face remained stone-cut, unreadable. "You should know better than anyone to gather all the facts before acting."

"Keep it objective, then. That's difficult knowing that ten good men—ten good friends—died because of one person's cowardice."

"I know." Shepard broke eye contact, looking out the shuttle windows. "I also know that in our line of work, the worst mistakes are made when you let things become too personal." Something in his tone, how it softened ever so slightly at that last sentence, told Garrus that he spoke from personal experience. "I didn't want you doing something you might end up regretting."

Garrus forced a chuckle. "You're always the saint, huh? Well, then. What would you have done if you were me?"

"I wouldn't have tried to snipe him."

He sighed; the obvious answer of the white knight that was Commander Shepard.

"I would have lured him into a dark alley. I would have beaten him within an inch of his life. Guns, knives, fists, anything would've worked. Make him feel every bit of pain my friends felt. Roar their names in his face over and over again. Make him _scream_. Then, I would've let him die slowly." Shepard had his eyes closed, each word deliberate.

Garrus just stared at him, absorbing what he had said. Every sentence further crushed the image of the valiant, heroic commander Garrus built up over the years. He had to mentally shake his head at himself, at the remnants of his old idealism. Shepard had never been the perfect hero everyone made him out to be. He left Jacob's father to die on Aeia. He shot the turian politician Kolyat was holding hostage. Every time someone threatened to kill him, Shepard countered with threats of his own. Half the time, he carried them out. "And you would've been okay with that."

"Yeah."

"Like you were okay with letting Mordin kill Maelon on Tuchanka."

"Mordin wanted justice for all the experiments, not revenge."

Garrus clenched his fist. "And me killing Sidonis wasn't justice?"

Shepard opened his eyes, remaining silent.

"I think you humans have another saying," Garrus said, shaking his head. "'Practice what you preach?'"

"Knowing some truth doesn't make it any easier to live by it," Shepard said. "But that's not the point. What I'm trying to say is, you're better than me already. I'm no paladin. And I'm not saying that you're one, either, because perfection is impossible. It's just that this isn't you, and, well…" He sighed. "Some things are worth keeping them as you remember."

Garrus turned his gaze away, not wanting to tell Shepard that in a way, they had both failed each other there.


End file.
